small steps

small steps

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Foggy Hearts



I was running late this morning...my hair was wet...I realized half way to the car I still had my slippers on...one of those kind of mornings. After pulling myself together and starting my drive, I realized the thick fog of the morning. The first one of this fall that I have witnessed so far. A foggy morning always amazes me---especially when I haven't experienced one in awhile. The roads and path I so frequently travel all of a sudden completly different--and as sure as I am about where I'm headed, I'm also a little unsure of the path that will get me there.

In the midst of my foggy drive, God reminded me that this is the place my heart has been lately. I have still been fixed on Jesus and living out His will for my life and for the ministry He's entrusted me with but the road has been a bit hazy. My heart a bit foggy.

It gets clouded with the lies I tell myself that I'm not good enough to be used by my Father, that I'm not smart enough to take on seminary and full time ministry, that I can't give my students all they need--that I'm not wise enough or discerning enough. My path gets bogged down with the fear of the unknown and change--even though with unknown and change comes great revelation of God's timing and plan. My heart just gets foggy when I allow all of the lies & fears to creep in for a bit and settle over me.

The road underneath me--the direction I'm headed still remains. I do know this truth-- I am not enough on my own--I never will be, but my Savior is more than enough. He is bigger than my worries & fears. He knows that trusting Him with the changes in my life allows His timing and plan to wrap its presence around my heart greater than any fears ever could. He is greater than my foggy spirit and it's ultimatly His light that breaks me free of the fog I've allowed to weigh me down .

One of the greatest blessings that's come into my life this fall is through my participation in a Sunday afternoon Bible study with a group of women of mixed generations and backgrounds. These women have quickly become sources of encouragement and inspiration to me as I have witnessed their devotion to God's Word and their willingness to be the church together as sisters in Christ. I have found myself often silent during my time with these women because my spirit is truly just soaking in their wisdom and examples of grace and truth. What a precious reminder these women and my time with them continues to be to me of seeking the Kingdom...of the road we are on together.

In the midst of the fog--God reveals His light, how thankful I am for a season in life to learn from the haze and ultimately to trust God's timing and leading.

  1. All to Jesus I surrender;
    All to Him I freely give;
    I will ever love and trust Him,
    In His presence daily live.

  2. I surrender all,
  3. I surrender all;
  4. All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
  5. I surrender all.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Investors

When I was in high school I counted down the days until I got to head off for our summer mission trip with my friends. I loved the road trip with them. I loved the freedom of a week where it meant spending every waking moment with my favorite people. My friends who I went to church with were my best friends and I hounded my youth director for weeks to make sure we'd all be in the same van. As a full time student director now, I really can't believe it...I was that girl.

I can remember quite vividly the moment my well orchestrated and thought out plan of my perfect mission trip van line up was messed with. I had paid some attention to the adults who had signed up for our mission trip but not a ton--my focus was on the week with my friends.

When, Rich, a Dad of young kids, piled into our van with his bright eyes and very distinct mustache, I remember just stopping and starring at him. "You got room for me in here?!" he said as he plopped himself down in-between my brother and another good friend of ours. I realized quickly he wasn't asking.

"Great, our plan for the perfect road trip is ruined," I thought to myself. An hour later my sulking and perfect road trip van with my friends plan was forgotten because I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. We stopped for lunch and my friends and I all looked at each other almost at the same time and said, "Man, we love, Rich. This guys is awesome."

Over the course of that week, Rich poured into us. A group of teenagers who had just been familiar faces to him in the church pews each week just a few short days ago. He made us laugh. He poured over words of affirmation and encouragement into us with our small skill set for mission trip handy work. He taught me how to install a wax ring before installing a brand new toliet. It's probably a task that could have taken him 10 minutes and yet he coached me through it for over an hour so I could have the credit and the skill. To this day, it's the only thing outside of painting I know how to do on a worksite and it's all because Rich had the heart, patience and energy to pour into me.

Every evening as we'd all run around during our free time, Rich would sit under a lamp post on the mission property,  just writing. We had no idea what he was really doing, we knew he was a lawyer, so we thought maybe he had brought work along. Rich's wife, was actually on the trip was us too and she would play and laugh over card games with us in the evenings, all the while Rich would sit and write under the lamp on his legal pad.

The last night of the trip at the end of our group devotional time, one by one, Rich walked around and began handing us each personal handwritten letters. I could not stop the tears as I read through the first sentence. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the selflessness and love of someone who didn't even know me a week before. This lawyer with the mustache, was being Jesus to me in ways I had never experienced before. I looked around the room and saw my brother and friends reading their letters from Rich. I'll never forget their faces.

Rich wasn't a youth leader who had attended tons of youth conferences or read every book on what it meant to chaperone a mission trip. Rich was simply an obedient and loving investor. He was invested in his relationship with Jesus and because of that he invested in us in ways that have impacted my life and heart for the long haul.

The investors are my student ministry heros. They are the volunteers who pour into students with time, energy, laughter and dozens of other endless ways. The investors are willing to sit under lamps and write letters of affirmation and patiently teach inpatient teenage girls how to install a wax rings on new toliets.

Thanking God for the investors. Student Ministry would be lost without them.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Freedom

I have found solo road trips to be a great time for reflection. Sitting at a stand still in traffic jams also graces me the opportunity to think about things I may not often take the time to think about during my normally busy day to day ministry schedule.

My road trip to Lookout Mountain, Georgia yesterday gave me the opportunity for lots of thinking time. As I passed sign after sign for "Fireworks for Sale" and "Firework Mega Warehouse", I began thinking about what it was we really celebrate on the 4th of July.

Freedom.

I attended a college where this was an important part of the heart of the Hillsdale core curriculum. To understand how our country began, I was required to take a United States Constitution course in order to graduate. At the time, I did not appreciate it as well as I do today. I can now quote pieces of it to myself after hours of studying note cards.

After learning it & studying it, it has become etched in me in a small way. What the freedom we hold in this special country is all about. That freedom has held more significance to me as I have traveled and served in other parts of the world over the past 4 years. Places where education, health care, and basic daily needs are a struggle and not very available. I'm aware these are a continual struggle for us here in the US in ways too but we do have the freedom to pursue those rights.

As I was driving, the song I'm claiming for my next year of life appeared on my play list, it's by my favorite worship band, All Sons & Daughters, Your Glory. The words of this song speak to where the stage of my heart has landed and it gives me hope. As I heard my voice sing along yesterday, I realized its words speak of the greatest freedom. The freedom found in a life surrendered to Jesus. That all heaviness of our sin and failures were taken from us in the sacrifice of Christ and through Him we have eternal freedom.

My favorite line in the song says: And the heartbeat of my life is to worship in your light. 

It makes me wonder what kind of impact I could have on this broken world full of heartache and struggle to be free, if I lived out those words in total freedom. If I truly allowed the heartbeat of my life to be a focus of worship in the light of my King. What revival could explode in our churches and how could we the body of Christ change our torn communities and neighborhoods if we allowed that freedom to truly transform our ministries and day to day mission.

I wonder what would happen to church politics and the disagreements we sometimes share as believers if our heart beat was truly to allow our freedom in Christ to guide our steps. 

It's a lot to process and think about for my own heart. I'm thankful for another long drive in a few days to keep working on it and praying over what it means for me...because that's where freedom begins, right? Within each of our own hearts and our own lives. The personal decision to decide how we allow the gift of this freedom to transform how we approach each day we're gifted.

Happy 4th of July! 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Day Before.

This is a post I've been writing, saving and re-writing for months. It's been a struggle to find the words as I deal with my own heart and self.

And then, just like most things I over analyze...all of a sudden it's here. The day before I leave the decade of my 20's behind. Tomorrow, I will be 30.

I've dreaded this day ever since last July 2 when I hit the 29. Honestly, for most of this year I have been debbie downer about leaving my 20's. As, I've shared many times before on this blog and in life, change is a hard one for me.

For months now, I have thought over and over about what it will mean to cross into this new territory. I have also over analyzed all the ways I feel that I have missed the boat in my 20's. All the plans that I had for myself that seem unaccomplished...there is no house with a white picket fence, there is no "Mrs." in front of my name and there are no babies with my green eyes & strawberry blonde hair. That was also the plan for my 20's. To check off the things I felt everyone else around me in their 20's was checking off.

For over a year now we have been talking to our students about the word, identity. It began in our teaching last summer over our mission trips and has carried all the way into our discipleship model for our student ministry over this past school year and even into this current summer. Over and over, we have been talking to our students about what identifies your life, and that ultimately, when we surrender our identity to Christ, that's what others see in us. It's clear to me now why this has been our focus this year. It's always kind of humbling and amazing to me, how God always seems to use the material we are teaching to teens to remind me that I have to be real and begin with that same truth for my own heart and life.

My identity MUST be found in Him. My Savior. My Sustainer. The one who holds every piece of His plan for my life. And it's not mine...it's His. It's by His sweet grace and mercy I can live to walk another day with a Father who loves me perfectly, even when my crazy heart is wrapped up in the worry that I don't have it all together, that I haven't made enough check marks off my "20's list."

The truth is, God knows those dreams and desires of my heart. He knew the list I wrote for myself without consulting Him and continues to love me anyways. The truth also is that He knows what's best for me. God knew that I needed this decade of my life to be exactly what it has been...friends, student ministry, living in 3 different states in 3 very different communities, doing ministry life and ministry with best friends, realizing my need to be near my family, opening the door to my heart through international mission opportunities, finding a love and outlet in running, learning from mistakes, learning so much about independence and what it means to love myself, heartache, grace, embracing change, and the honor of watching teenagers fall in love with Jesus.

The list of blessings from my 20's outweighs the list in my head I feel I haven't accomplished and ultimately I have to let that unaccomplished list go. I am thankful that I have people who pour wisdom and truth into my life. My co-director, Joe has often reminded me that my identity will never be found in a house or a husband or even children of my own. My identity can only come from continually surrendering to the One who continues to walk with me through it all.

So, bring it on, 30...I mean, tomorrow...I'm okay with one more day at 29.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The Gift

Lately my heart has been extra sensitive to a date creeping up on the calendar. I've been praying about it & writing in my prayer journal a lot about how thankful I am for the celebration and meaning that comes with Mother's Day. I've been wrestling with Mother's Day too.

Let me start with the celebration part. Mothers are a gift. My life is covered with that reminder in the joy that is my own mother. For my 29 years one of the greatest constants of my life has been the unconditional love from my mother and the knowledge of how much she treasures being my mom. I try with all my heart not to take this for granted. My mom always let us know what a gift we have been to her. My brother and I have such a soft spot for our sweet mom and I know this comes from what she has poured over us since our first cry on the days we were born. She is worth celebrating every day of my life...but of course on Mother's Day too.

One of the other celebrations of my stage in life is witnessing my dearest friends cross over into motherhood. How precious it has been for me to witness my beautiful friends enter the journey in such grace filled and loving ways. To know their babies, to watch them grow, and to witness God molding these women I'm so honored to call my friends into mothers has been an amazing gift. This will only continue in the years to come...what a joy.

This Mother's Day, I celebrate an even more precious soon to be mother in my life in my dear sister in law. Anyone who has been in my path these past few months knows my excitement and utter joy in the news that this summer my sweet niece will enter the world. Sharing these months with my brother and sister in law and our family have meant the world to me. I'm celebrating the joy that comes with watching my siblings become parents and that I have the honor of taking on the role of Auntie. What a gift.

So my heart is full of these glorious mothers and abundance blessings from God to celebrate and be thankful. However, if I'm really honest with ya'll...there's still something a little raw for me about this special day.

My heart and mind wanders to those who are reminded of the loss when it comes to Mother's Day. The loss of children or babies or their mothers. There's an ache that comes for those who have longed and waited for pregnancy test sticks to turn from negative to positive and never see the result they have longed for. There's an understanding I have in my own heart for those who always thought their 20's or 30's or 40's would mean babies and a husband and those years have come and gone. As much as there is to celebrate with the joy and the gift that is motherhood, it can also be a hard day for some.

My own mother, always reminded me of that reality as I was growing when she would share the story of the first 10 years of my parent's marriage before I even came along. That she waited and hoped and prayed and sometimes it was really difficult but she knew that God had a plan.

The peace that comes from trust in God's plan for our lives no matter what that may be is the gift to celebrate on special days like Mother's Days and all the ones in between. There is peace that comes in that surrender and trust. Peace made available to us through the gift of Jesus. My prayer for this coming Sunday is that no matter where your celebration or heart falls this Mother's Day that the gift of this peace would be sustaining in the moments of joy, the moments of loss and all the ones in between. It's truly worth celebrating.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be  thankful.  Colossians 3:15

Friday, April 25, 2014

Moments of Grace

It all can be such a whirlwind. Ministry. Life. The days of the calendar and the hours of each day filled to the brim. When I look at my calendar, there's nothing I really dread in the days and weeks to come. It's all good...but it's full.

Sometimes in the fullness, in the constant going and doing and serving and loving...hard stuff and situations and unexpected changes of plans are thrown in the mix and twisted in the midst of all the fullness. I've felt that a lot lately. That even though I have a calendar filled with plans and agendas I can't always control the twists and turns that creep into the fullness of it all.

What I'm realizing is how defining those moments really are--that in the moments where I have the least amount of control over any given situation is where I have the greatest opportunity to reflect who I really am, that I have the chance and the opportunity in the hard and full moments to reflect a greatness that is far beyond myself.

Those are the grace filled moments. The moments when I want to give up or run away or make it ALL about me. It seems easier to turn to all of that in a quick instant instead of rising above it, right? Maybe I'm alone in this and that extends my need for these grace filled moments even more.

God nudged my heart this past Easter. He nudged it in a way that made me wonder how long I've been ignoring His gentle pull. He has been covering my life with dozens of grace filled moments over the past few weeks--moments where a hug or a prayer or a text message came at just the right time. Moments of singing "Let it Go" with a group of my girls on a retreat and watching the sweet faces of my students filled with tears of joy after saying yes to Jesus for the first time. Phone calls where I am just able to sob into the phone and know I'm loved on the receiving end. A hair straightener being shipped to me in the mail by my best friend after mine breaks...again. A Tuesday night Bible study with friends who are eager to grow in God's Word together. A small group leader sending me a text about reaching a student who has been hard to reach. The list goes on and on.

All these grace filled moments, raining down on me with love have been used by God in my life for the purpose of getting to that nudging point on Easter Sunday. That the truth and joy in the Resurrection is more than a one morning celebration. It must re-define the full calendars and the whirl wind and the busy seasons of ministry and life because it is the only sure thing we have to cling too.

When the whirl wind takes over like it often does, all glory and honor to the One who provides the moments of grace that draw us back. The sweet glimpses that remind me that His Kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Glow

I walked into the tiny apartment and immediately stepped into dog feces. When I pulled up my car to the front door to begin unloading bags and boxes of the baby gear I had come to deliver, I was beyond excited to share all this goodness on my sweet girl and the baby growing in her stomach and in my eagerness to get inside I was instantly reminded through that first step the reality of what I had just walked into.

Before we sat down together to begin sorting the onesies and chatting over the cute factor of baby clothes, I noticed she took the time to brush away the clutter of the tiny apartment and light a small candle. I had to begin fighting tears at that very moment because I realized that this act of love and hospitality on her end was a gesture of doing all she could to make the smell...the situation...the moment...warmer and better.

The glow of that tiny candle brought light into the darkness of the room and it allowed me to watch her expressions of love and joy all the while with one hand resting gently on her pregnant stomach. In that moment I could see the mother that she has become and silently prayed over her for the years and journey that lie ahead. In that moment, I could see the glow from her heart.

I love  moments that stand still in our memories. I know this will be one of those visits that remains in my heart in that light--a mixture between bittersweet and heartache and joy all rolled into one. As I wrapped my arms around her and her pregnant stomach to tell her goodbye, she whispered her prayer to me and prayed for her baby to know Jesus. That's when I was reminded yet again, of the light, the glow that always lives in our hearts once we say Yes. All it takes is saying Yes...just once.

Sometimes darkness creeps in...sometimes we walk a different road or follow a different voice but the greatness of our Savior is that He doesn't stop glowing. He continues to live within us and allows us the grace to turn to Him again for warmth, for depth, for the light we need because He is the light of the World. We sometimes make choices and decisions that run us empty and dry but He does not run out of what we need. He does not die inside of us even when we chose to look away from Him.

I'm extra thankful for the glow of that tiny candle & for the powerful light found in a King that is holding us always...even in the darkest moments in hard situations and even in beautiful ones. The glow of His love remains in us, all it takes is simply saying Yes.