small steps

small steps

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Brokenness Aside.

I can't shake what happened during worship out of my head. When the offertory music began to fill the sanctuary, a half full cup of coffee spilled underneath the first pew.

In an instant a couple of our high school boys were on their feet, rushing out to get paper towels to clean up the coffee. There were giggles and hushes and muffled, embarrassed laughter over the coffee spilling.

All the while the offertory music playing in the background.

The boys awkwardly rushed back in attempting to soak up the coffee as quietly and cautiously as possible. For a few moments all I could do was take it in and watch. Watch their reaction...the students around them...my eyes darting back to my friends in the band leading the worship song, and suddenly, I found myself putting my hand gently on their shoulders telling the boys to stop. "It's alright," I whispered. We'll figure it out later."

Then the words of the song that had been filling the room hit me...

Will your grace run out
If I let you down 
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner 
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words 
Tangled in lies 
You are the Savior 
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 
Beautiful 

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies 
Cause all I know 
Is how to cry 

I am a sinner 
If its not one thing its another 
Caught up in words 
Tangled in lies 
You are the Savior 
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 
Beautiful 



A half glass of spilled coffee on the carpet was a reminder of something bigger. How often do we enter into worship trying to hide our messes. How often do we sit before our Creator trying to cover up the mistakes & sit in denial of the sin that sometimes consumes us. How easy is it to think we have to come to worship...to our church family without the messiness of our everyday lives. It seems easier to hide it, to tuck it away for an hour before facing it again.

What if instead of hiding it behind polite "Good Mornings" and handshakes, we wrapped ourselves in the reminder that Our Savior takes the brokenness...takes the spills and the messes...that He puts it aside and turns our lives into beauty through His grace.

Sometimes, I need those tangible reminders that it's okay to just stop and sit before my Father in the midst of my mess. That He walks with me and holds me even when I am too stubborn to surrender and try to clean it all up on my own.

Coffee comes up out of the carpet & the grace and forgiveness of Jesus is real in the midst of the messes and spills.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

first day of school


I have a love/hate relationship with the first day of school. It's a beginning and an ending. I've blogged before about my internal struggle with changes...and it's another one of those hurdles in the year when I sometimes have to swallow the lump that forms in my throat when I think about our college kids moving back to dorm rooms & when I picture the kids who started our tween ministry now entering their first day of high school...how in the world did that happen?

Over this past summer, we've watched this special crew grow. What a gift it is in student ministry to have these special weeks with them. I am trying so hard not to take these moments with these tremendous young people for granted. It's a pretty amazing blessing to witness these young people falling in love with Jesus and allowing His love to transform their lives.

These summer weeks allow us to witness the intense friendships they are forming with one another. It also allows us to stand back and watch the ways they are peeling the layers of their hearts back towards the plan God has for them and His calling for them...right now!

So, a piece of me struggles to say goodbye to the days where school sports and midterms don't stand in the way of last minute lunches or longer summer hang out nights after vacation bible school. It's hard to let go of the weeks we venture off on mission trips and our students are cell phone free allowing them to connect with each other in special ways. It's hard to say goodbye to our college crew no matter if their entering their freshman year or junior year. We love having them home.

At the same time, I love to dream of what all God has in store for these sweet students in the weeks to come. I can't wait to see how He will use them as rays of sunshine to others in their schools. I am excited about the students we have yet to meet---and the way God will nudge us to reach others. I know there's a lot of growing and molding yet to come and a lot of sweet memories still ahead.

As summer slips a way a little sooner this year (thanks balanced calendar!), I'll try to let the hate aspect of the first day of school slip away and grab onto the joy in this next piece of the journey.

Happy First Day of School, Phao Crew! Ya'll are so loved!

Friday, August 2, 2013

Expectations.

Somewhere along the way I have grown into someone who holds high expectations...for everything.

If you tell me in December, you're renting a lake house in Michigan for the last week of July/first week of August, I immediately expect and anticipate perfect sunshine beach weather for the entire 6 days of vacation.

If you allow me to unleash my inner party/hostess love through a baby or bridal shower, I instantly expect myself to produce tables of picture perfect treats & handmade decorations that exceed anything Martha Stewart could come up with.

If I put my mind and effort into training for a race, I expect myself not just to finish but to finish well. To not be last. To look like a rock star at the finish line.

When I pour into others, when I plan & prepare, when hard work is mixed with time and sweat and tears...I expect a lot. All. the. time.

So, when it's cold and rainy at the lake every day except one...when, I go to pick up the gluten free expensive cupcakes I ordered weeks ago for the picture perfect shower I'm throwing and they have multi colored sprinkles that don't match my lavender party theme...when the race I've trained months for with early morning runs, runs in the rain, puncturing a cornea in the training process ends at a halt on mile five due to a pinched nerve that's turned my toes numb...I completely melt down.

My expectations are shattered. I revert to my inner "debbie-downer" (sorry to all the debbie's who have to put up with this term). All that I've hoped for...all I've dreamed and expected and waited on is suddenly swallowed away by my disappointment.

Again and again over this past year, I've been wrestling with that word: expectation. I've been journaling about it. I've been praying that God would soften my heart to the many expectations I've held on so tightly to for so long. I've prayed and I've prayed. I've wrestled and wrestled.

"God knows my heart, He knit me this way," is the justification I've held on too and told myself again and again. I'm thankful that God does soften me. That He teaches me to little by little to begin to let go.

I have been spending a lot of time in the Gospel of Matthew this summer. In part because we based a lot of our mission trip teachings from Jesus' teachings in the Gospels, but also because God has continually drawn me back to it over these past few months. These are the words that have really been brought a fresh to my heart, Matthew 16: 24, "Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

It's time for me to pick up this load of expectations I put way too much weight and attention on all the time and put my eyes back on the prize of following Jesus.

Are expectations and hopes a bad thing? No way. For me, it's the melt downs. It's the disappointments when I fall short, when things don't work out...when the beach days don't happen. This is what has gotten in the way of me following Jesus with freedom and with joy. I'm humbled by my Heavenly Father, who allows me to keep working on all of this...who doesn't let go of me when I do melt down--but who ultimately wants more for me. Wants me to trust Him and follow Him and seek Him with all of me...because He has so much more in store than my own heart and brain could dream up or expect on my own.

I'm sure I'll melt down sooner than I hope...but I'm thankful that He wants to stretch me and mold me beyond those melt downs of missed expectations and that I can expect all things in Him.