A Crumbling Heart

7 years ago today. The moment my eyes popped open at the sound of my first alarm, I knew what this day has meant to me each year. As I began to wake up this morning,  the tears quickly crept in as I thought about God's steadfastness over this time. My heart began to flutter a little as I am so tempted to give into fear about the unknown but than the reminder of His faithfulness rushed over me as I laid there this morning.

I thought about how much life can change in 7 years. I thought about the word plans. My plans. God's plan.

7 years ago, on September 17, on a crisp Michigan fall day, my heart crumbled for the first time in full time ministry. It's a date etched in my heart.  I'm a date girl. I remember birthdays, anniversaries & silly mile stones. September 17, is different. It is literally etched into my being.

I had been working in full time ministry for about 4 months. I was young. I was surrounded with ministry partners that were my best friends. In between the ministry schedule, we all had game nights, ate meals together, watched movies & played Rock Band. In many ways, my life seemed easy. I didn't pay rent. I lived in the beautiful church parsonage where part of my compensation was my housing. I had never paid a utility bill in my life. My biggest worries were decorating the youth room & making sure my house had enough cream soda to feed the constant supply of friends & students who came and went every day throughout the days. I was surrounded by people I loved and who loved me.

It was on that day for the first time, that my heart crumbled to what the reality of full time ministry is really about. One of my kids had asked if they could meet with me before evening youth group after church. I thought it was about maybe what games we might play that night or something else surface-y like that...so we made plans to meet up a couple hours before youth group. I went ahead with my post-Sunday worship lunch with friends and an afternoon nap and then walked over to the church in running shorts and a sweatshirt. I hadn't prayed over our meeting together or thought much about it.

When she sat down in my office, tears began streaming down her face. Her sobs were so hard, I couldn't catch the sentences she was trying to form. As she settled down, she began her story of abuse and pain and hurt. Her heart conflicted that how could Jesus ever allow what had happen to her and actually love her too. She told me of her hardened heart and her hate for the church. And as she spoke, my heart crumbled.

My eyes, ears and heart were open in a new way to the pain and heartache that is present in the pursuit of following Jesus fully. This was messy and hard. This wasn't game night in my pretty yellow kitchen, or a giant box of gift cards and notes from my church family for Youth Pastor Appreciation Month. My heart crumbled because I realized this was what Jesus was about. He was about the hurting and the trials. This is what He sacrificed for us when He gave His life on the cross. For the hope and the promise that comes with eternity and His perfection.

Trials and pain and struggle are part of this road. The difference is the light we have to follow in the midst of it--for the truth the waits for us in Him.

In the past couple of weeks, September 17, has not been on my radar. I've been caught up in a lot of that other stuff....in the hardness that has crossed my path some days. And then, my eyes blinked open this morning and God's grace washed over me and reminded me of the day...reminded me of His desire to crumble our hearts anew.

I'm thankful that my God is a God of reminders. That He knows we need them. He knows we need dates that become etched into who we are. That He knows sometimes we need to crumble so we can fully start again.

Brokenness Aside.

I can't shake what happened during worship out of my head. When the offertory music began to fill the sanctuary, a half full cup of coffee spilled underneath the first pew.

In an instant a couple of our high school boys were on their feet, rushing out to get paper towels to clean up the coffee. There were giggles and hushes and muffled, embarrassed laughter over the coffee spilling.

All the while the offertory music playing in the background.

The boys awkwardly rushed back in attempting to soak up the coffee as quietly and cautiously as possible. For a few moments all I could do was take it in and watch. Watch their reaction...the students around them...my eyes darting back to my friends in the band leading the worship song, and suddenly, I found myself putting my hand gently on their shoulders telling the boys to stop. "It's alright," I whispered. We'll figure it out later."

Then the words of the song that had been filling the room hit me...

Will your grace run out
If I let you down 
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner 
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words 
Tangled in lies 
You are the Savior 
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 
Beautiful 

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies 
Cause all I know 
Is how to cry 

I am a sinner 
If its not one thing its another 
Caught up in words 
Tangled in lies 
You are the Savior 
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 
Beautiful 


A half glass of spilled coffee on the carpet was a reminder of something bigger. How often do we enter into worship trying to hide our messes. How often do we sit before our Creator trying to cover up the mistakes & sit in denial of the sin that sometimes consumes us. How easy is it to think we have to come to worship...to our church family without the messiness of our everyday lives. It seems easier to hide it, to tuck it away for an hour before facing it again.

What if instead of hiding it behind polite "Good Mornings" and handshakes, we wrapped ourselves in the reminder that Our Savior takes the brokenness...takes the spills and the messes...that He puts it aside and turns our lives into beauty through His grace.

Sometimes, I need those tangible reminders that it's okay to just stop and sit before my Father in the midst of my mess. That He walks with me and holds me even when I am too stubborn to surrender and try to clean it all up on my own.

Coffee comes up out of the carpet & the grace and forgiveness of Jesus is real in the midst of the messes and spills.

first day of school

I have a love/hate relationship with the first day of school. It's a beginning and an ending. I've blogged before about my internal struggle with changes...and it's another one of those hurdles in the year when I sometimes have to swallow the lump that forms in my throat when I think about our college kids moving back to dorm rooms & when I picture the kids who started our tween ministry now entering their first day of high school...how in the world did that happen?

Over this past summer, we've watched this special crew grow. What a gift it is in student ministry to have these special weeks with them. I am trying so hard not to take these moments with these tremendous young people for granted. It's a pretty amazing blessing to witness these young people falling in love with Jesus and allowing His love to transform their lives.

These summer weeks allow us to witness the intense friendships they are forming with one another. It also allows us to stand back and watch the ways they are peeling the layers of their hearts back towards the plan God has for them and His calling for them...right now!

So, a piece of me struggles to say goodbye to the days where school sports and midterms don't stand in the way of last minute lunches or longer summer hang out nights after vacation bible school. It's hard to let go of the weeks we venture off on mission trips and our students are cell phone free allowing them to connect with each other in special ways. It's hard to say goodbye to our college crew no matter if their entering their freshman year or junior year. We love having them home.

At the same time, I love to dream of what all God has in store for these sweet students in the weeks to come. I can't wait to see how He will use them as rays of sunshine to others in their schools. I am excited about the students we have yet to meet---and the way God will nudge us to reach others. I know there's a lot of growing and molding yet to come and a lot of sweet memories still ahead.

As summer slips a way a little sooner this year (thanks balanced calendar!), I'll try to let the hate aspect of the first day of school slip away and grab onto the joy in this next piece of the journey.

Happy First Day of School, Phao Crew! Ya'll are so loved!

Expectations.

Somewhere along the way I have grown into someone who holds high expectations...for everything.

If you tell me in December, you're renting a lake house in Michigan for the last week of July/first week of August, I immediately expect and anticipate perfect sunshine beach weather for the entire 6 days of vacation.

If you allow me to unleash my inner party/hostess love through a baby or bridal shower, I instantly expect myself to produce tables of picture perfect treats & handmade decorations that exceed anything Martha Stewart could come up with.

If I put my mind and effort into training for a race, I expect myself not just to finish but to finish well. To not be last. To look like a rock star at the finish line.

When I pour into others, when I plan & prepare, when hard work is mixed with time and sweat and tears...I expect a lot. All. the. time.

So, when it's cold and rainy at the lake every day except one...when, I go to pick up the gluten free expensive cupcakes I ordered weeks ago for the picture perfect shower I'm throwing and they have multi colored sprinkles that don't match my lavender party theme...when the race I've trained months for with early morning runs, runs in the rain, puncturing a cornea in the training process ends at a halt on mile five due to a pinched nerve that's turned my toes numb...I completely melt down.

My expectations are shattered. I revert to my inner "debbie-downer" (sorry to all the debbie's who have to put up with this term). All that I've hoped for...all I've dreamed and expected and waited on is suddenly swallowed away by my disappointment.

Again and again over this past year, I've been wrestling with that word: expectation. I've been journaling about it. I've been praying that God would soften my heart to the many expectations I've held on so tightly to for so long. I've prayed and I've prayed. I've wrestled and wrestled.

"God knows my heart, He knit me this way," is the justification I've held on too and told myself again and again. I'm thankful that God does soften me. That He teaches me to little by little to begin to let go.

I have been spending a lot of time in the Gospel of Matthew this summer. In part because we based a lot of our mission trip teachings from Jesus' teachings in the Gospels, but also because God has continually drawn me back to it over these past few months. These are the words that have really been brought a fresh to my heart, Matthew 16: 24, "Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

It's time for me to pick up this load of expectations I put way too much weight and attention on all the time and put my eyes back on the prize of following Jesus.

Are expectations and hopes a bad thing? No way. For me, it's the melt downs. It's the disappointments when I fall short, when things don't work out...when the beach days don't happen. This is what has gotten in the way of me following Jesus with freedom and with joy. I'm humbled by my Heavenly Father, who allows me to keep working on all of this...who doesn't let go of me when I do melt down--but who ultimately wants more for me. Wants me to trust Him and follow Him and seek Him with all of me...because He has so much more in store than my own heart and brain could dream up or expect on my own.

I'm sure I'll melt down sooner than I hope...but I'm thankful that He wants to stretch me and mold me beyond those melt downs of missed expectations and that I can expect all things in Him.

Three.

On August 1, 2010, I walked into Castleton United Methodist Church for my first Sunday morning. My first official day on staff as Director of Student Ministries. It is a morning etched into the memory of my head and my heart. I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what was in store but at the same time had complete peace that this is where I was suppose to be.

Three years later, I am humbled at all God has taught me. I am in awe of His provision and His timing. My heart has been stretched and grown in ways I never knew possible--but in every way possible because of the power of Jesus.

There are 4,000 pictures in my iPhone from these past three years of ministry. Over the last couple of days I've been flipping through them. Each student. Each family. Each adventure. Each challenge. Each joy...represented over the past three years through these pictures reminds me of God's faithfulness and His desire to unify us through the greatness of His love and grace. I never knew I could fall so in love with a group of people. What an honor it is to know each and every student  that God has brought into our path. I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am for the team of adults and families that support this student ministry. I am so thankful for all the sweet and loving friends God has brought into my life. I  have been showered with blessings over these past three years.
       As I have prayed over what God has in store for us next, my prayer seems to remain very similar to the words I whispered to myself on the long drive from Mississippi to Indiana three years ago. May we continue to seek His will in every decision. I pray that this student ministry would remain Christ centered...always. That we would constantly desire to grow and change to look more like Him and less like the world around us & that we would bind together to reach others through His love at work through us. I'm thankful for the leadership and pastoral support we have to guide as as we look ahead.  I'm so excited to see what God has for us in the days and months and years to come.

"For I know the plans I have for you, "Declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Al & Steph

As Father's Day approaches this weekend, I've been thinking a lot about my Dad and why I'm thankful for him...here's a little shout out to my loved, Big Al! I'm thankful for these sweet life lessons he has etched into me.

 Free throws win basketball games.

 Every swing of the golf club that I have ever taken I hear my Dad's voice saying, "Head down...low & slow."

My Dad is a man of example. I've watched his actions in many ways--from sitting down every Sunday morning to write his tithe to his church, to honoring every commitment he makes from taking the Boy Scouts camping, to coaching elementary school kids basketball, to attending meeting after meeting at church.

I love everything about my Dad's voice & laugh. From hearing his reading of the Night Before Christmas to us every year on December 24, to the sound of him telling a story to hearing him sing a hymn at church.

He is stubborn & I am my father's daughter.

My Dad's willingness to be a leader whether through his job or in our church has also had a lasting impact on me.

From Hillsdale to Ocean Springs to Indianapolis, my Dad always finds a way to make a trip where it's just me & him. Those father/daughter days are some of my very favorite.

Something I can always count on hearing from him with every visit, "How's your car running?" And deep down I'm thankful he asks...every time.

One of the first basketball teams my Dad ever coached, we were in a bonus foul free throw situation and of all the girls on the team to shoot the extra free throws my Dad picked me. That moment has stayed with me ever since, I'll never forget the sparkle in the eye and the overwhelming love I felt that even though he was always a fair coach...in that moment my Dad picked me. I've often thought what an amazing example that was of how my earthly Father was reminding me that my Heavenly Father has chosen me, again and again. And...I made those extra free throws.

Happy Fathers Day, Dad! I love you!!

Joy in Teamwork.

Thursday May 2, is "Thank a Youth Worker Day" which gives me the opportunity to write a blog post I've been wanting to write for quite sometime but have continually struggled to find the words. I'll take a stab at it...

Over 2.5 years ago, I began as the Director of Student Ministries at Castleton United Methodist Church. I was excited at the doors God had opened to bring me back to Indiana and for the opportunity to continue to serve in full time student ministry. My years in full time ministry prior to my start at CUMC had been spent in Michigan and Mississippi. They were years marked with many adventures and joys  and although I had dozens of amazing volunteers & friends by my side for those years for the most part I weaved my way through ministry on my own.
                                                                                 
                                                                                   When I was hired at Castleton, the search team mentioned to me that there would be an assistant student ministries director that would help me with programming. This was a little intimidating for me to wrap my head around. I didn't know what to think about working alongside someone else in the office to tackle the day to day ministry challenges and preparations. I wasn't opposed to it--it was just all uncharted. So, in my weeks before arriving at Castleton in the summer of 2010, all I knew to do was to pray. Pray for whoever it was that would join me and the students God had awaiting for me in Indiana. As I prayed God always filled me with peace...giving me that reminder that He knew what He was doing.

Fast forward to spring 2013...2.5 years of serving alongside Joe & Courtney. In these 32 months, God has taught me more about selflessness, loyalty and His love than I ever thought possible simply through His provision of allowing me to partner with the Garrison's in full time ministry.

 Joe is not my assistant ministries director--he's the other part of a ministry team that I cannot imagine serving without. The Garrison's have become two of the best friends who have blessed my life here in Indianapolis. When their precious daughter, Carley was born this past October, I think my heart about exploded the night she arrived out of utter joy for my ministry teammates and the honor it was to witness God's provision and goodness being showered over them through the blessing of Carley Grace.

One of the greatest joys to me found in this team is having partners who are willing to sacrifice comfort, time & resources in order to point teenagers towards Jesus Christ. I'm truly humbled by their example. What a blessing it is to have Joe and Court in my life and the life of our church family as we are able to celebrate in all the ways we are witnessing God at work & continue to experience His answers to prayer. I'm blessed to have teammates for the hard days and the exhausting days but also teammates who make me laugh and understand that God made me in such a way that I cry...sometimes a lot. :)

God's plan and timing never ceases to amaze me. When I reflect on the past 32 months...I remain in awe of Him and His will for this ministry team...better than I could have ever imagined on my own!

So, I'm a few hours early in posting this but in honor of, Thank a Youth Worker Day, I just want to give a big shout out to Joe, Court & Carley! I love ya'll so much. I'm thankful for the example our students have in your family and for all you do to pour out into each of us.