My beloved prayer journal broke. The 3 ring binder that I bought at the college book store my sophomore year at Hillsdale, literally snapped apart the other night. It's a binder that I have hauled with me all over this country. It survived the move from Michigan to Mississippi & then made it back from Mississippi to Indiana, over 3 years ago. I thought it may last forever....and then it snapped and the notebook pages of years & years of prayers were strewn all over my bedroom carpet.
As I sat down to reorganize them and stick them in a file folder until a new binder can be purchased, this page from 2004 was staring back at me. A reminder. A glimpse at my past self. The unknowns of what waited ahead of me. And here I am, 7 years into full time ministry later, reading these words that I wrote. It seems clear why my journal broke. I needed to read these words & be reminded of God's faithfulness and provision. I've never shared anything from my prayer journal before, but perhaps the words of a college junior can bring some encouragement to you in that God's plan for your life when it may seem uncertain & hard at times...HE is the author worth trusting in. I'm in awe of this journal entry and all the many blessings God has brought into my life through full time student ministry. Thanks, Father for being so good to me.
October 14, 2004
Dear Jesus,
I'm scared. I feel you moving and working in my heart in ways that are new and uncertain. It's scary because I'm the girl who has been writing down a wish list of names for my future babies since I was a little girl. I have dreamed and longed for motherhood for as long as I can remember. I have hoped and prayed that college would bring my husband and that chapter of my life. I think I actually came to Hillsdale planning on you to unfold all of that for me the way I'd like that...right now. In some ways, it seems that you are.
But here's the scary part, Jesus...and I know you know how scary this is for me to even spell out on this page tonight...I am falling in love with youth ministry. Like, really, really falling in love. It's like you are opening doors to my heart and stretching me in ways I never even knew that I could love you--through the ways you are at work in these kids. I want to do this. I feel your call and your nudge for me to say yes to this.
That's scary. I have a midterm to write and three Collegian deadlines ahead of me tonight & all I can think about is how much I'm falling in love with youth ministry and that I want to follow you down this road. What does this mean for my plans, Lord? What does this mean for the desires of my heart?
Thank you for knitting me together and for loving me and for placing this on my heart even though I'm not sure how to answer this call. Help me to be faithful. Father, help me to say yes, when I need to and surrender when I need to surrender.
Lord, I want to pray for the students you will bring into my life. I have no idea what lies ahead but I can sense that there are teenagers who I have yet to meet that you have called me to know and to love. Wherever they are right now, whoever they are, Lord, I lift them to you.
Help me to have strength & courage in this...thank you in advanced for all the grace you will shower over me as I navigate where you're leading.
May Your will be done. I love you. Amen.
small steps
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
A Crumbling Heart
7 years ago today. The moment my eyes popped open at the sound of my first alarm, I knew what this day has meant to me each year. As I began to wake up this morning, the tears quickly crept in as I thought about God's steadfastness over this time. My heart began to flutter a little as I am so tempted to give into fear about the unknown but than the reminder of His faithfulness rushed over me as I laid there this morning.
I thought about how much life can change in 7 years. I thought about the word plans. My plans. God's plan.
7 years ago, on September 17, on a crisp Michigan fall day, my heart crumbled for the first time in full time ministry. It's a date etched in my heart. I'm a date girl. I remember birthdays, anniversaries & silly mile stones. September 17, is different. It is literally etched into my being.
I had been working in full time ministry for about 4 months. I was young. I was surrounded with ministry partners that were my best friends. In between the ministry schedule, we all had game nights, ate meals together, watched movies & played Rock Band. In many ways, my life seemed easy. I didn't pay rent. I lived in the beautiful church parsonage where part of my compensation was my housing. I had never paid a utility bill in my life. My biggest worries were decorating the youth room & making sure my house had enough cream soda to feed the constant supply of friends & students who came and went every day throughout the days. I was surrounded by people I loved and who loved me.
It was on that day for the first time, that my heart crumbled to what the reality of full time ministry is really about. One of my kids had asked if they could meet with me before evening youth group after church. I thought it was about maybe what games we might play that night or something else surface-y like that...so we made plans to meet up a couple hours before youth group. I went ahead with my post-Sunday worship lunch with friends and an afternoon nap and then walked over to the church in running shorts and a sweatshirt. I hadn't prayed over our meeting together or thought much about it.
When she sat down in my office, tears began streaming down her face. Her sobs were so hard, I couldn't catch the sentences she was trying to form. As she settled down, she began her story of abuse and pain and hurt. Her heart conflicted that how could Jesus ever allow what had happen to her and actually love her too. She told me of her hardened heart and her hate for the church. And as she spoke, my heart crumbled.
My eyes, ears and heart were open in a new way to the pain and heartache that is present in the pursuit of following Jesus fully. This was messy and hard. This wasn't game night in my pretty yellow kitchen, or a giant box of gift cards and notes from my church family for Youth Pastor Appreciation Month. My heart crumbled because I realized this was what Jesus was about. He was about the hurting and the trials. This is what He sacrificed for us when He gave His life on the cross. For the hope and the promise that comes with eternity and His perfection.
Trials and pain and struggle are part of this road. The difference is the light we have to follow in the midst of it--for the truth the waits for us in Him.
In the past couple of weeks, September 17, has not been on my radar. I've been caught up in a lot of that other stuff....in the hardness that has crossed my path some days. And then, my eyes blinked open this morning and God's grace washed over me and reminded me of the day...reminded me of His desire to crumble our hearts anew.
I'm thankful that my God is a God of reminders. That He knows we need them. He knows we need dates that become etched into who we are. That He knows sometimes we need to crumble so we can fully start again.
I thought about how much life can change in 7 years. I thought about the word plans. My plans. God's plan.
7 years ago, on September 17, on a crisp Michigan fall day, my heart crumbled for the first time in full time ministry. It's a date etched in my heart. I'm a date girl. I remember birthdays, anniversaries & silly mile stones. September 17, is different. It is literally etched into my being.
I had been working in full time ministry for about 4 months. I was young. I was surrounded with ministry partners that were my best friends. In between the ministry schedule, we all had game nights, ate meals together, watched movies & played Rock Band. In many ways, my life seemed easy. I didn't pay rent. I lived in the beautiful church parsonage where part of my compensation was my housing. I had never paid a utility bill in my life. My biggest worries were decorating the youth room & making sure my house had enough cream soda to feed the constant supply of friends & students who came and went every day throughout the days. I was surrounded by people I loved and who loved me.
It was on that day for the first time, that my heart crumbled to what the reality of full time ministry is really about. One of my kids had asked if they could meet with me before evening youth group after church. I thought it was about maybe what games we might play that night or something else surface-y like that...so we made plans to meet up a couple hours before youth group. I went ahead with my post-Sunday worship lunch with friends and an afternoon nap and then walked over to the church in running shorts and a sweatshirt. I hadn't prayed over our meeting together or thought much about it.
When she sat down in my office, tears began streaming down her face. Her sobs were so hard, I couldn't catch the sentences she was trying to form. As she settled down, she began her story of abuse and pain and hurt. Her heart conflicted that how could Jesus ever allow what had happen to her and actually love her too. She told me of her hardened heart and her hate for the church. And as she spoke, my heart crumbled.
My eyes, ears and heart were open in a new way to the pain and heartache that is present in the pursuit of following Jesus fully. This was messy and hard. This wasn't game night in my pretty yellow kitchen, or a giant box of gift cards and notes from my church family for Youth Pastor Appreciation Month. My heart crumbled because I realized this was what Jesus was about. He was about the hurting and the trials. This is what He sacrificed for us when He gave His life on the cross. For the hope and the promise that comes with eternity and His perfection.
Trials and pain and struggle are part of this road. The difference is the light we have to follow in the midst of it--for the truth the waits for us in Him.
In the past couple of weeks, September 17, has not been on my radar. I've been caught up in a lot of that other stuff....in the hardness that has crossed my path some days. And then, my eyes blinked open this morning and God's grace washed over me and reminded me of the day...reminded me of His desire to crumble our hearts anew.
I'm thankful that my God is a God of reminders. That He knows we need them. He knows we need dates that become etched into who we are. That He knows sometimes we need to crumble so we can fully start again.
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