small steps

small steps

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Finding Balance

Here is the quote that has completely wrecked me. It comes from author and pastor Larry Crabb:

Happy people do not love well. Joyful people do. That’s why happiness, the pleasant feelings that pleasant circumstances generate, must be taken away and replaced by joy. Happy people rarely look for joy. They’re quite content with what they have. The foundation of their life consists of the blessings they enjoy. Although they may genuinely care about those less fortunate and do great things to help, their central concern is to keep what they have. They haven’t been freed to pursue a greater dream. That’s why they cannot love well. In His severe mercy, God takes away the good to create an appetite for the better, and then, eventually, He satisfies the new appetite, liberating them to love. It comes down to this: God’s best is available only to those who sacrifice, or who are willing to sacrifice, the merely good. If we are satisfied with good health, responsible children, enjoyable marriages, close friendships, interesting jobs, and successful ministries, we will never hunger for Gods’ best. We will never worship. I’ve come to believe that only broken people truly worship. Unbroken people – happy folks who enjoy their blessings more than the Blesser – say thanks to God the way a shopper thanks a clerk. 
It’s a great tragedy when Christian people make it through life without ever discovering that their happiness is no different from the happiness of circumstantially well-off pagans. I fear that millions of Christians have never made that discovery and therefore blissfully continue to drink watered-down grape juice when fine wine is available. " -Larry Crabb


The first time I read this I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. The second time I read it I realized that this is something I need to digest over and over again. Now, years later from when I read this for the first time I'm still striving to figure out what it means to find this balance.

How do I find the balance of striving for God's best in the midst of my brokenness all the while savoring the shower of His blessings in my life?

Some days I do want to rest in the comfort of my amazing friends & family. I do find joy in the growing student ministry I'm so blessed to help lead.

But then the quote creeps back into my heart..."Happy folks who enjoy their blessings more than the Blesser--say thanks to God the way a shopper thanks a clerk." That's the part that hits me like a bus and brings me to my knees in a plea for the balance. I'm reminded of a verse from the book of James 1:22--"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says."

The strive for this balance is not an easy one. Our culture has become so busy and full that I believe it's become all to easy to keep drinking that watered-down grape juice. I fall for it all the time. I allow myself to fill my calendar full with life--and honestly mostly good stuff but ultimately the reason this quote from Larry Crabb messes with me so much is because I am not wired to just want a life filled of good stuff.

My Creator has wired me for more. He has wired me to seek Him and His Kingdom. In the midst of my mess and my struggle to strive for this balance all He seeks is for me to begin by resting in Him.

In the midst of these next few days giving thanks for the blessings I'm praying for a thirst for a greater dream. When my stomach is full from turkey and pumpkin pie, I hope I cannot fully forget that there's more to strive for...fine wine is available.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Filled with Awe


"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles.  All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2: 42-47

I have read this beautiful passage in Acts 2 dozens of times over the years. The book of Acts has become a source of hope and renewal for me. I love to be reminded of the fire and passion of the early church. I love this example of these first Christ followers. I've brought it in front of students over and over again. I've asked the question--what does this look like for us in the church, today? My heart has wrestled with this passage and found hope in it's example of living for Jesus. 

A couple months ago, I was sitting in our staff meeting when our senior pastor shared his heart. He shared how God had nudged him as our spiritual leader to help create a weekend for our church family with an emphasis on spiritual renewal and unity. His vision was different from anything we had thought of tackling as a church family or a church staff--atleast in the four years I've been blessed to serve at Castleton UMC. One of the things, I so appreciate about our senior pastor is that Pastor Frank knows he needs help with the details. He had been prayerful over the direction we needed to go but knew it would take a team to make a purposeful spiritual renewal weekend a reality. I watched in the weeks to come as he reached out to church members, church leadership & our staff to make all the logistical details of this past weekend possible. Again and again he reminded us to cover it all with prayer. 

This past Sunday, I sat in a different spot of the sanctuary then normal for our combined worship service. I sat in the back on a folding chair so that the pews could be packed in. I watched as all ages filed into worship. I began to reflect of the dozens of ways the people who were entering into worship had reached out to serve our neighborhood and had come together in fellowship over the past 48 hours. And then as the music for worship began, I could not hold back my tears, immediately God brought to my heart this passage from Acts.

I realized I had found the answer to my question that my heart has wrestled with for so many years--this is how the church today lives out this walk with Jesus as a family of believers. Over this past weekend, it didn't matter our preference of worship style, it didn't matter how long you had been a church member or not. Teenagers were serving in the midst of an older generation...children were working alongside their parents and their church family.  There was love and selflessness poured into every meal served to every worker, volunteer & community member. We ate together. We served together. We laughed together. We saw the love of Jesus within one another. We went beyond the walls of our church to share that love with others. On Sunday, we witnessed some profess a desire to say yes to a relationship with Christ for the very first time. 

We are far from the perfect church. This past weekend wasn't about being a perfect community of believers. It was however, a powerful reminder of what it means to allow our Perfect Savior to guide us...to work together in His name. I never could have imagined this kind of renewal but I'm thankful for the reminder of Acts 2 now more than ever and I am filled with awe.






Thursday, October 23, 2014

Foggy Hearts



I was running late this morning...my hair was wet...I realized half way to the car I still had my slippers on...one of those kind of mornings. After pulling myself together and starting my drive, I realized the thick fog of the morning. The first one of this fall that I have witnessed so far. A foggy morning always amazes me---especially when I haven't experienced one in awhile. The roads and path I so frequently travel all of a sudden completly different--and as sure as I am about where I'm headed, I'm also a little unsure of the path that will get me there.

In the midst of my foggy drive, God reminded me that this is the place my heart has been lately. I have still been fixed on Jesus and living out His will for my life and for the ministry He's entrusted me with but the road has been a bit hazy. My heart a bit foggy.

It gets clouded with the lies I tell myself that I'm not good enough to be used by my Father, that I'm not smart enough to take on seminary and full time ministry, that I can't give my students all they need--that I'm not wise enough or discerning enough. My path gets bogged down with the fear of the unknown and change--even though with unknown and change comes great revelation of God's timing and plan. My heart just gets foggy when I allow all of the lies & fears to creep in for a bit and settle over me.

The road underneath me--the direction I'm headed still remains. I do know this truth-- I am not enough on my own--I never will be, but my Savior is more than enough. He is bigger than my worries & fears. He knows that trusting Him with the changes in my life allows His timing and plan to wrap its presence around my heart greater than any fears ever could. He is greater than my foggy spirit and it's ultimatly His light that breaks me free of the fog I've allowed to weigh me down .

One of the greatest blessings that's come into my life this fall is through my participation in a Sunday afternoon Bible study with a group of women of mixed generations and backgrounds. These women have quickly become sources of encouragement and inspiration to me as I have witnessed their devotion to God's Word and their willingness to be the church together as sisters in Christ. I have found myself often silent during my time with these women because my spirit is truly just soaking in their wisdom and examples of grace and truth. What a precious reminder these women and my time with them continues to be to me of seeking the Kingdom...of the road we are on together.

In the midst of the fog--God reveals His light, how thankful I am for a season in life to learn from the haze and ultimately to trust God's timing and leading.

  1. All to Jesus I surrender;
    All to Him I freely give;
    I will ever love and trust Him,
    In His presence daily live.

  2. I surrender all,
  3. I surrender all;
  4. All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
  5. I surrender all.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Investors

When I was in high school I counted down the days until I got to head off for our summer mission trip with my friends. I loved the road trip with them. I loved the freedom of a week where it meant spending every waking moment with my favorite people. My friends who I went to church with were my best friends and I hounded my youth director for weeks to make sure we'd all be in the same van. As a full time student director now, I really can't believe it...I was that girl.

I can remember quite vividly the moment my well orchestrated and thought out plan of my perfect mission trip van line up was messed with. I had paid some attention to the adults who had signed up for our mission trip but not a ton--my focus was on the week with my friends.

When, Rich, a Dad of young kids, piled into our van with his bright eyes and very distinct mustache, I remember just stopping and starring at him. "You got room for me in here?!" he said as he plopped himself down in-between my brother and another good friend of ours. I realized quickly he wasn't asking.

"Great, our plan for the perfect road trip is ruined," I thought to myself. An hour later my sulking and perfect road trip van with my friends plan was forgotten because I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. We stopped for lunch and my friends and I all looked at each other almost at the same time and said, "Man, we love, Rich. This guys is awesome."

Over the course of that week, Rich poured into us. A group of teenagers who had just been familiar faces to him in the church pews each week just a few short days ago. He made us laugh. He poured over words of affirmation and encouragement into us with our small skill set for mission trip handy work. He taught me how to install a wax ring before installing a brand new toliet. It's probably a task that could have taken him 10 minutes and yet he coached me through it for over an hour so I could have the credit and the skill. To this day, it's the only thing outside of painting I know how to do on a worksite and it's all because Rich had the heart, patience and energy to pour into me.

Every evening as we'd all run around during our free time, Rich would sit under a lamp post on the mission property,  just writing. We had no idea what he was really doing, we knew he was a lawyer, so we thought maybe he had brought work along. Rich's wife, was actually on the trip was us too and she would play and laugh over card games with us in the evenings, all the while Rich would sit and write under the lamp on his legal pad.

The last night of the trip at the end of our group devotional time, one by one, Rich walked around and began handing us each personal handwritten letters. I could not stop the tears as I read through the first sentence. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the selflessness and love of someone who didn't even know me a week before. This lawyer with the mustache, was being Jesus to me in ways I had never experienced before. I looked around the room and saw my brother and friends reading their letters from Rich. I'll never forget their faces.

Rich wasn't a youth leader who had attended tons of youth conferences or read every book on what it meant to chaperone a mission trip. Rich was simply an obedient and loving investor. He was invested in his relationship with Jesus and because of that he invested in us in ways that have impacted my life and heart for the long haul.

The investors are my student ministry heros. They are the volunteers who pour into students with time, energy, laughter and dozens of other endless ways. The investors are willing to sit under lamps and write letters of affirmation and patiently teach inpatient teenage girls how to install a wax rings on new toliets.

Thanking God for the investors. Student Ministry would be lost without them.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Freedom

I have found solo road trips to be a great time for reflection. Sitting at a stand still in traffic jams also graces me the opportunity to think about things I may not often take the time to think about during my normally busy day to day ministry schedule.

My road trip to Lookout Mountain, Georgia yesterday gave me the opportunity for lots of thinking time. As I passed sign after sign for "Fireworks for Sale" and "Firework Mega Warehouse", I began thinking about what it was we really celebrate on the 4th of July.

Freedom.

I attended a college where this was an important part of the heart of the Hillsdale core curriculum. To understand how our country began, I was required to take a United States Constitution course in order to graduate. At the time, I did not appreciate it as well as I do today. I can now quote pieces of it to myself after hours of studying note cards.

After learning it & studying it, it has become etched in me in a small way. What the freedom we hold in this special country is all about. That freedom has held more significance to me as I have traveled and served in other parts of the world over the past 4 years. Places where education, health care, and basic daily needs are a struggle and not very available. I'm aware these are a continual struggle for us here in the US in ways too but we do have the freedom to pursue those rights.

As I was driving, the song I'm claiming for my next year of life appeared on my play list, it's by my favorite worship band, All Sons & Daughters, Your Glory. The words of this song speak to where the stage of my heart has landed and it gives me hope. As I heard my voice sing along yesterday, I realized its words speak of the greatest freedom. The freedom found in a life surrendered to Jesus. That all heaviness of our sin and failures were taken from us in the sacrifice of Christ and through Him we have eternal freedom.

My favorite line in the song says: And the heartbeat of my life is to worship in your light. 

It makes me wonder what kind of impact I could have on this broken world full of heartache and struggle to be free, if I lived out those words in total freedom. If I truly allowed the heartbeat of my life to be a focus of worship in the light of my King. What revival could explode in our churches and how could we the body of Christ change our torn communities and neighborhoods if we allowed that freedom to truly transform our ministries and day to day mission.

I wonder what would happen to church politics and the disagreements we sometimes share as believers if our heart beat was truly to allow our freedom in Christ to guide our steps. 

It's a lot to process and think about for my own heart. I'm thankful for another long drive in a few days to keep working on it and praying over what it means for me...because that's where freedom begins, right? Within each of our own hearts and our own lives. The personal decision to decide how we allow the gift of this freedom to transform how we approach each day we're gifted.

Happy 4th of July! 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Day Before.

This is a post I've been writing, saving and re-writing for months. It's been a struggle to find the words as I deal with my own heart and self.

And then, just like most things I over analyze...all of a sudden it's here. The day before I leave the decade of my 20's behind. Tomorrow, I will be 30.

I've dreaded this day ever since last July 2 when I hit the 29. Honestly, for most of this year I have been debbie downer about leaving my 20's. As, I've shared many times before on this blog and in life, change is a hard one for me.

For months now, I have thought over and over about what it will mean to cross into this new territory. I have also over analyzed all the ways I feel that I have missed the boat in my 20's. All the plans that I had for myself that seem unaccomplished...there is no house with a white picket fence, there is no "Mrs." in front of my name and there are no babies with my green eyes & strawberry blonde hair. That was also the plan for my 20's. To check off the things I felt everyone else around me in their 20's was checking off.

For over a year now we have been talking to our students about the word, identity. It began in our teaching last summer over our mission trips and has carried all the way into our discipleship model for our student ministry over this past school year and even into this current summer. Over and over, we have been talking to our students about what identifies your life, and that ultimately, when we surrender our identity to Christ, that's what others see in us. It's clear to me now why this has been our focus this year. It's always kind of humbling and amazing to me, how God always seems to use the material we are teaching to teens to remind me that I have to be real and begin with that same truth for my own heart and life.

My identity MUST be found in Him. My Savior. My Sustainer. The one who holds every piece of His plan for my life. And it's not mine...it's His. It's by His sweet grace and mercy I can live to walk another day with a Father who loves me perfectly, even when my crazy heart is wrapped up in the worry that I don't have it all together, that I haven't made enough check marks off my "20's list."

The truth is, God knows those dreams and desires of my heart. He knew the list I wrote for myself without consulting Him and continues to love me anyways. The truth also is that He knows what's best for me. God knew that I needed this decade of my life to be exactly what it has been...friends, student ministry, living in 3 different states in 3 very different communities, doing ministry life and ministry with best friends, realizing my need to be near my family, opening the door to my heart through international mission opportunities, finding a love and outlet in running, learning from mistakes, learning so much about independence and what it means to love myself, heartache, grace, embracing change, and the honor of watching teenagers fall in love with Jesus.

The list of blessings from my 20's outweighs the list in my head I feel I haven't accomplished and ultimately I have to let that unaccomplished list go. I am thankful that I have people who pour wisdom and truth into my life. My co-director, Joe has often reminded me that my identity will never be found in a house or a husband or even children of my own. My identity can only come from continually surrendering to the One who continues to walk with me through it all.

So, bring it on, 30...I mean, tomorrow...I'm okay with one more day at 29.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The Gift

Lately my heart has been extra sensitive to a date creeping up on the calendar. I've been praying about it & writing in my prayer journal a lot about how thankful I am for the celebration and meaning that comes with Mother's Day. I've been wrestling with Mother's Day too.

Let me start with the celebration part. Mothers are a gift. My life is covered with that reminder in the joy that is my own mother. For my 29 years one of the greatest constants of my life has been the unconditional love from my mother and the knowledge of how much she treasures being my mom. I try with all my heart not to take this for granted. My mom always let us know what a gift we have been to her. My brother and I have such a soft spot for our sweet mom and I know this comes from what she has poured over us since our first cry on the days we were born. She is worth celebrating every day of my life...but of course on Mother's Day too.

One of the other celebrations of my stage in life is witnessing my dearest friends cross over into motherhood. How precious it has been for me to witness my beautiful friends enter the journey in such grace filled and loving ways. To know their babies, to watch them grow, and to witness God molding these women I'm so honored to call my friends into mothers has been an amazing gift. This will only continue in the years to come...what a joy.

This Mother's Day, I celebrate an even more precious soon to be mother in my life in my dear sister in law. Anyone who has been in my path these past few months knows my excitement and utter joy in the news that this summer my sweet niece will enter the world. Sharing these months with my brother and sister in law and our family have meant the world to me. I'm celebrating the joy that comes with watching my siblings become parents and that I have the honor of taking on the role of Auntie. What a gift.

So my heart is full of these glorious mothers and abundance blessings from God to celebrate and be thankful. However, if I'm really honest with ya'll...there's still something a little raw for me about this special day.

My heart and mind wanders to those who are reminded of the loss when it comes to Mother's Day. The loss of children or babies or their mothers. There's an ache that comes for those who have longed and waited for pregnancy test sticks to turn from negative to positive and never see the result they have longed for. There's an understanding I have in my own heart for those who always thought their 20's or 30's or 40's would mean babies and a husband and those years have come and gone. As much as there is to celebrate with the joy and the gift that is motherhood, it can also be a hard day for some.

My own mother, always reminded me of that reality as I was growing when she would share the story of the first 10 years of my parent's marriage before I even came along. That she waited and hoped and prayed and sometimes it was really difficult but she knew that God had a plan.

The peace that comes from trust in God's plan for our lives no matter what that may be is the gift to celebrate on special days like Mother's Days and all the ones in between. There is peace that comes in that surrender and trust. Peace made available to us through the gift of Jesus. My prayer for this coming Sunday is that no matter where your celebration or heart falls this Mother's Day that the gift of this peace would be sustaining in the moments of joy, the moments of loss and all the ones in between. It's truly worth celebrating.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be  thankful.  Colossians 3:15

Friday, April 25, 2014

Moments of Grace

It all can be such a whirlwind. Ministry. Life. The days of the calendar and the hours of each day filled to the brim. When I look at my calendar, there's nothing I really dread in the days and weeks to come. It's all good...but it's full.

Sometimes in the fullness, in the constant going and doing and serving and loving...hard stuff and situations and unexpected changes of plans are thrown in the mix and twisted in the midst of all the fullness. I've felt that a lot lately. That even though I have a calendar filled with plans and agendas I can't always control the twists and turns that creep into the fullness of it all.

What I'm realizing is how defining those moments really are--that in the moments where I have the least amount of control over any given situation is where I have the greatest opportunity to reflect who I really am, that I have the chance and the opportunity in the hard and full moments to reflect a greatness that is far beyond myself.

Those are the grace filled moments. The moments when I want to give up or run away or make it ALL about me. It seems easier to turn to all of that in a quick instant instead of rising above it, right? Maybe I'm alone in this and that extends my need for these grace filled moments even more.

God nudged my heart this past Easter. He nudged it in a way that made me wonder how long I've been ignoring His gentle pull. He has been covering my life with dozens of grace filled moments over the past few weeks--moments where a hug or a prayer or a text message came at just the right time. Moments of singing "Let it Go" with a group of my girls on a retreat and watching the sweet faces of my students filled with tears of joy after saying yes to Jesus for the first time. Phone calls where I am just able to sob into the phone and know I'm loved on the receiving end. A hair straightener being shipped to me in the mail by my best friend after mine breaks...again. A Tuesday night Bible study with friends who are eager to grow in God's Word together. A small group leader sending me a text about reaching a student who has been hard to reach. The list goes on and on.

All these grace filled moments, raining down on me with love have been used by God in my life for the purpose of getting to that nudging point on Easter Sunday. That the truth and joy in the Resurrection is more than a one morning celebration. It must re-define the full calendars and the whirl wind and the busy seasons of ministry and life because it is the only sure thing we have to cling too.

When the whirl wind takes over like it often does, all glory and honor to the One who provides the moments of grace that draw us back. The sweet glimpses that remind me that His Kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Glow

I walked into the tiny apartment and immediately stepped into dog feces. When I pulled up my car to the front door to begin unloading bags and boxes of the baby gear I had come to deliver, I was beyond excited to share all this goodness on my sweet girl and the baby growing in her stomach and in my eagerness to get inside I was instantly reminded through that first step the reality of what I had just walked into.

Before we sat down together to begin sorting the onesies and chatting over the cute factor of baby clothes, I noticed she took the time to brush away the clutter of the tiny apartment and light a small candle. I had to begin fighting tears at that very moment because I realized that this act of love and hospitality on her end was a gesture of doing all she could to make the smell...the situation...the moment...warmer and better.

The glow of that tiny candle brought light into the darkness of the room and it allowed me to watch her expressions of love and joy all the while with one hand resting gently on her pregnant stomach. In that moment I could see the mother that she has become and silently prayed over her for the years and journey that lie ahead. In that moment, I could see the glow from her heart.

I love  moments that stand still in our memories. I know this will be one of those visits that remains in my heart in that light--a mixture between bittersweet and heartache and joy all rolled into one. As I wrapped my arms around her and her pregnant stomach to tell her goodbye, she whispered her prayer to me and prayed for her baby to know Jesus. That's when I was reminded yet again, of the light, the glow that always lives in our hearts once we say Yes. All it takes is saying Yes...just once.

Sometimes darkness creeps in...sometimes we walk a different road or follow a different voice but the greatness of our Savior is that He doesn't stop glowing. He continues to live within us and allows us the grace to turn to Him again for warmth, for depth, for the light we need because He is the light of the World. We sometimes make choices and decisions that run us empty and dry but He does not run out of what we need. He does not die inside of us even when we chose to look away from Him.

I'm extra thankful for the glow of that tiny candle & for the powerful light found in a King that is holding us always...even in the darkest moments in hard situations and even in beautiful ones. The glow of His love remains in us, all it takes is simply saying Yes.


Monday, March 3, 2014

Being Still


At just the point in the student ministry calendar when life tends to hit the really busy season...keep in mind really busy in student ministries is just a step before the summer months which tend to blow into the category of crazy busy. Let me also clarify, that I LOVE the busy life that is full time student ministries. I love the weekend retreats, the weekend game nights & filling car loads full of teens to attend a sporting events or a concert. I love the confirmation season where our students going through the process have consistent programming together for nearly 12 weeks. I love the summers filled with packing vans & sleeping on air mattresses. This is by no means is a blog post complaining about the busy life that is student ministries. I thrive off of the busy.

This is more of a post on the reminder that comes from my Father in the midst of the busy. Just as I begin to see the light of no more snow days and winter nights of canceled ministry events due to snow and ice my initial feeling is to crank up the busy; and then Lent creeps in and with it the reminder to just be still with Him.

I open up my old school day planner and read the words, Ash Wednesday. Once again, I stand amazed that my Father knows this is exactly the moment I need the reminder of what these next 40 days are all about. That just as my own instinct is to allow myself to dive deep into crazy busy mode--that there is something greater in the midst of the busy. That there is a stillness my heart craves far more than all the busy I could ever try to cram into each day.

My best friend blessed me with a four day visit last week and I couldn't help but fight back the tears when she pulled out this framed scripture art for me from her duffel bag with the words of Psalm 46:10. Exactly the truth my heart and day planner needed for this season, before this next wonderful round of really busy ministry.

I want to strive to imprint this verse on my life for these next 40 days. I know the busy will sneak in more than I should let it at times which makes me even more thankful for the grace that comes through this season, through Christ's sacrifice for us. For me and for you. A grace and love to be celebrated through all the busy and non-busy seasons but I sure am thankful for these 40 days where being still is exactly what this busy ol' heart of mine needs.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Seed Planters

I needed paper towels. The whole purpose of my late night trip to Target last night was because I was out of paper towels. You can't get to the paper towel aisle without passing the baby aisle. So, I found myself, cart halted, in the midst of the diapers and baby shampoo. My eyes scanning up and down the shelves and my mind remembering the baby showers of my friends and all the wonderful stuff they have received and the joy and love surrounding the entrance of their sweet babies into this world.

And then, the tears started streaming down my face as the heaviness I had been carrying on my heart all day became too much for me to hold in. While skimming through Facebook earlier in the day, I found myself on the page of a former student. A student who I began my journey in student ministry with 8 years ago. I remember the night she accepted Jesus into her heart and I also remember the night that the police called me to let me know about the meth bust that was about to take place at her home. Years have passed since this sweet girl has been a part of my every day ministry life--and here I was looking at her Facebook page and a picture of her pregnant belly..and the heaviness set in on my heart. As I took in all the baby products last night I was overwhelmed by the feeling of unfairness for her situation.

The night, she turned to Jesus I remember listening to her speak in awe of a loving Father. This was foreign to her. I remember stroking her hair and covering her with words that I prayed would point her towards the truth that she would only find in her loving Savior. I remember the hope I had for her that night--that she could rise above the cycle of brokenness that was the world she was born into. I remember they joy in her face when she spoke of the new found freedom she had found in Jesus.

As I started to fill my cart with diapers and onesies and baby shampoo to send to her last night I tried to allow myself to push back the tears and remember the joy. It's hard to swallow the reality that her sweet baby will be born in the same cycle...the same house...the same situation. When I got home, I started organizing the baby items into a gift bag and I had to stop and open my Bible instead.

I found myself reading Paul's words in 1 Corinthians, "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor." 

God makes it grow. God is faithful to the seeds planted. God is holding this situation---this sweet girl and her baby. I can't stop thinking about Pinterest baby showers and a beautiful baby nursery. How she won't have this for her baby, we messaged on Facebook this morning and she told me she's invited some family to a local restaurant for a baby shower...all I could think of is how she's throwing herself a baby shower. And, I know, baby showers are not the most important thing, but my heart breaks. So, I'll make another trip to Target later today to find a few more things for the care package I'm sending...not because it's super significant but because the seed is planted and I want to remind her of that. I want to do all I can to cover her with love so she'll remember the joy she found when she gave her heart to Jesus & then all I can do is surrender her in prayer, knowing that God is faithful. God allows seeds to grow even in the most broken of situations. I'm clinging to His perfect love and praying for a world...for students who have forgotten...may they be reminded through prayers lifting them up, gift bags of diapers and from the seed planters.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Radical or Obedient?

I'm blessed to be apart of an exciting season of student ministry. We feel a strong and clear nudge from the Lord that this is a time to focus on equipping our students to reach out to others to make disciples. It's exciting and comfort zone stretching all at once. My co-director, Joe, wrote about it from his perspective, so check that out here, http://joeggarrison.com/blog/focusing-students-making-disciples/

We are moving forward with Matthew 28:19-20 as our focus:

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.

I'm finding it just as important to take on this challenge not just from a ministry perspective but also as a calling for my own life and walk with Christ. As important as I feel it is to equip our students to help them share Jesus, I know I am also called to go and make disciples right along with them.

It's easy for me to really love on my people. My family. My friends. My students & their families. All blessings in my life that I love striving to love like Jesus does. By no means do I love the people I'm closest too perfectly---but what a blessing it is to pour into their lives. It's not out of my comfort zone to strive to do so. I'm thankful that God knows that about our hearts--that there are those in our lives that loving comes easy. But, the more I pray about it, I feel like God is nudging me that those relationships should more so fuel us as Christians to have even more passion for living out those powerful words spoken by Jesus in Matthew 28:19-20.

We can stay content in our lives of loving our people--or we can share the love of Jesus...everyday...in the world. 

One of the most powerful examples of living out Matthew 28:19-20, has come to me through Katie Davis. My students, my family, my friends--all know I have been talking about Katie & her story of moving to Uganda and adopting a liter of little girls as well as starting a feeding ministry...for years. I've bought everyone I know her book. I myself have read it cover to cover probably 10 times...not exaggerating. You can read more about Katie, here: http://www.amazima.org/katiesstory.html

Nearly every time after I share her story the responses I get usually are in awe of what she's doing and also how radical Katie's calling is...and yes, moving to Uganda as a single 20 something is a big deal and it's not every Christian's calling.

Yet, I can't help but feel that Katie's testimony is simply obedience. And that's my prayer for our student ministry as we head into a season focused on making disciples--one of loving obedience, that we would realize that the love God has blessed us all with for each other is just too great to keep to ourselves.

It may stretch us at times. We may need to pray for courage and boldness to step outside of those comfort zones. The last thing Jesus said after his command to make disciples was, "I am with you always." He is with us in this! We aren't headed into this alone.

Instead of sharing the good news of Jesus with our peers, neighbors, co-workers, family members and friends being a radical idea or action maybe we can strive to allow it simply to be steps of obedience in following the command of the One who loves us perfectly.


Thursday, January 23, 2014

Provision

                                                                                             (joegarrisonphotography)

No matter how I often I turn to fear or doubt or worry...which honestly is often, God always shows up. God always cares. God always provides.

Again and again throughout the winding roads of my walk with Him, in the moments that has seemed the saddest and the hardest, I can look at them now and see His hands and mercy all over those tears, sleepless nights & just crazy times of pure fear.

God's provision kind of blows my mind. I was gently reminded of it again last Sunday evening when I heard a student walk over to my co-director after he was done leading the teaching at our worship night and say "That message was exactly what I needed."

God provides for others through US...that is even harder for me to wrap my heart around sometimes. He loves us too much not to allow us to be apart of His work. What a gift.

It's easy to allow my heart to make excuses to be used sometimes and instead turn to judgement and criticism..."Well, we can't provide that because we don't have this..."or "If we only were like..."--that kind of attitude is an easy trap to fall in.

I love the example Jesus shows us when he called the disciples to follow him. He didn't ask them to go to boot camp first. He didn't tell them to take 6 months to pull it all together. He simply asked them to come & follow him...to trust that he would provide what they would need along the way--to be willing to work with him.

Trusting in God's provision and timing, I'm learning is a continual, life long work in process--but one I can't imagine being any sweeter to continually surrender along the way.


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

All We Can Do




I have really been blessed in the grandparent department. My childhood was a steady stream of sweet memories with four of the sweetest people. Four very different & distinct personalities that really blessed my socks off. They all in their own way always pointed me towards Jesus. I can't put into words or even try to measure the impact of that---their examples have really set the bar high in my life. Such blessings.

I always miss my mom's mother a little more this time of year. When it reaches that point of winter for me when it just seems like it can't get any colder and I'm overly tired of snow, my heart always turns to my grandmother. It's hard to believe that she passed away seven years ago. The last five years of her life, I found myself spending a lot of one on one time with her. I would drive to her house and spend a few days with her a couple times throughout the year just to help her out with cleaning & shopping. Those were the end of my college years and the beginning of my full time ministry years and those 48 hour trips with my Grandma always seemed to be just what I needed. In those days together, we pretty much talked non-stop. I felt a new openness to share everything with her...my fears, my struggles, my joys and she would do the same with me. I loved the stories she'd tell me about my grandfather and there were usually tears from both of us. It was a closeness I had never had with her before and it led to one of my very favorite memories with her because after a few years of my Grandma visits, she started calling me on the phone.

At first, I remember being a little surprised to hear my Grandma's voice on the other end but as it became more regular I grew to love these conversations more and more. One night, in the dead of winter, I found myself home alone and roommate-less. No ministry events or students slamming through the front door to see what was for dinner. It was unusually quiet. I was sitting on the couch watching the snow fall from the huge picture window in my family room, when my phone rang, it was my sweet Grandma. She wondered if it was snowing in Hillsdale, just like it was in Greenville, where she lived.

For some reason, I have no idea why, I burst into tears, I started sharing with my Grandma all my fears and uncertainties about ministry and God's plan for me. I have no idea how she understood me. I remembered when I stopped talking that I expected her to maybe be emotional or upset too. But calmly, on the other end of the phone she said "Sometimes, Stephie, all we can do is just turn it over to Jesus," and she began to pray for me.

That was the last time we ever talked on the phone. She lived another year  and I had visits with her but for some reason neither of us ever called each other. In some ways, I regret that, in other ways I feel like that last phone conversation was the exactly the reminder conversation I would need for the rest of my life.

I was reminded of it very early this morning after I crawled out of bed, dreading to turn back my curtain to see how much snow had fallen overnight. I found myself just starring out at the falling snow--and instead of starting my day with a spirit of thankfulness found myself worrying about a lot of things in my life right now I don't have tons of control over--or any control over.

All of a sudden, I could hear my sweet grandmother's voice. I could hear her prayer for me to turn it over. A beautiful reminder, again and again that sometimes all we can do and all we need to do is simply turn it over to Jesus.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7