My beloved prayer journal broke. The 3 ring binder that I bought at the college book store my sophomore year at Hillsdale, literally snapped apart the other night. It's a binder that I have hauled with me all over this country. It survived the move from Michigan to Mississippi & then made it back from Mississippi to Indiana, over 3 years ago. I thought it may last forever....and then it snapped and the notebook pages of years & years of prayers were strewn all over my bedroom carpet.
As I sat down to reorganize them and stick them in a file folder until a new binder can be purchased, this page from 2004 was staring back at me. A reminder. A glimpse at my past self. The unknowns of what waited ahead of me. And here I am, 7 years into full time ministry later, reading these words that I wrote. It seems clear why my journal broke. I needed to read these words & be reminded of God's faithfulness and provision. I've never shared anything from my prayer journal before, but perhaps the words of a college junior can bring some encouragement to you in that God's plan for your life when it may seem uncertain & hard at times...HE is the author worth trusting in. I'm in awe of this journal entry and all the many blessings God has brought into my life through full time student ministry. Thanks, Father for being so good to me.
October 14, 2004
Dear Jesus,
I'm scared. I feel you moving and working in my heart in ways that are new and uncertain. It's scary because I'm the girl who has been writing down a wish list of names for my future babies since I was a little girl. I have dreamed and longed for motherhood for as long as I can remember. I have hoped and prayed that college would bring my husband and that chapter of my life. I think I actually came to Hillsdale planning on you to unfold all of that for me the way I'd like that...right now. In some ways, it seems that you are.
But here's the scary part, Jesus...and I know you know how scary this is for me to even spell out on this page tonight...I am falling in love with youth ministry. Like, really, really falling in love. It's like you are opening doors to my heart and stretching me in ways I never even knew that I could love you--through the ways you are at work in these kids. I want to do this. I feel your call and your nudge for me to say yes to this.
That's scary. I have a midterm to write and three Collegian deadlines ahead of me tonight & all I can think about is how much I'm falling in love with youth ministry and that I want to follow you down this road. What does this mean for my plans, Lord? What does this mean for the desires of my heart?
Thank you for knitting me together and for loving me and for placing this on my heart even though I'm not sure how to answer this call. Help me to be faithful. Father, help me to say yes, when I need to and surrender when I need to surrender.
Lord, I want to pray for the students you will bring into my life. I have no idea what lies ahead but I can sense that there are teenagers who I have yet to meet that you have called me to know and to love. Wherever they are right now, whoever they are, Lord, I lift them to you.
Help me to have strength & courage in this...thank you in advanced for all the grace you will shower over me as I navigate where you're leading.
May Your will be done. I love you. Amen.
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